Hi, my name is Tiger Woods. You may have heard of me. Over the past few months, well, years actually, I’ve made a few mistakes. I’ve slept with porn stars and socialites and women who work at Perkins. I’ve lied to my family, friends, fans and sponsors, and been an all around heel off of the golf course. On the links I’ve been my usual awesome self. Some of you can separate these two aspects of my personality. Some of you cannot. For those of you who cannot, I am truly sorry that I got caught and disappointed you. I will try to be a better person. A better husband and father. I will always be the same awesome golfer you have come to love and support, I will just be doing it with less sponsors. This is unfortunate since the income I receive from my sponsors funds my charitable works, while the income I earn from golf pays for the fuel for my yacht. You may have heard of it, it’s called “THE LEAVE ME THE F#$@ ALONE”.
But enough about me. Today I am here to talk about my newest sponsor, Toyota. It’s always nice to have an automotive sponsor. Like Buick, they have a fair amount of marketing dollars to toss around. Unlike Buick, people under the age of eighty actually use their product. Although less people drive them today than in the past. Why. Because Toyota, like me, has made some mistakes. My mistakes have not killed anybody, but like me, Toyota was at the top of their game, the best at what they do, when they lost track of what really matters. Not getting caught.
As I noted in my press conference on Friday, when you get caught you have to apologize. And when you have to apologize you are admitting that you have made mistakes, and that you may not be as awesome as you once thought you were. My newest sponsor Toyota thought they were awesome until their cars began driving at high speeds all by themselves. I am still awesome on the golf course but not so much in my personal life. And as a public figure my personal life is clearly no longer personal, which means it is in fact public. A lot of this may have something to do with Buddhism, but I can’t be sure.
The bottom line is this, whereas I once thought Buicks were the cars to drive, I no longer think so. I now recommend Toyotas. I actually cannot recommend them enough. As a matter of fact, my contract stipulates that I recommend them all of the time. They get excellent gas mileage, they’re roomy, a little bland when it comes to styling, and if they don’t run themselves into a busy intersection they may last a long, long time. This means they have value. And isn’t that what’s important today. Value. And Values. Family values. That’s what’s important to me. Family values. I’m a family man. And Toyota”s cars are all about keeping your family safe.
In closing, both myself and Toyota pledge to do better in the future. We will be better citizens. We will be the brands that you thought you knew but didn’t, because we hid stuff. In short, we will work hard to once again earn your trust and support, because getting caught really, really sucks.
And God bless the United States of America